One of the most sensitive topics is whether grandparents should discipline their grandchildren. Close behind is the question of how to handle the situation when our adult children have different discipline approaches or rules than we do. Disputes may arise over things such as food, bedtime, manners, screen time, smart phones, internet usage, and social media. Grandparents had to handle some of these with their own children, but many of them are new challenges for today’s parents.

It is helpful to begin with a basic definition. 

Discipline means to teach or to train and is different than punishment. With children, the purpose of discipline is to teach them how to have proper behavior; for Christians, it means guiding them with the skills and understanding of how to live a God-pleasing life. The most effective discipline is consistent, fair, appropriate for the age and developmental stage of the child, and occurs within a loving relationship with an adult. Discipline may involve verbal corrections or consequences but could also include games, projects, outings, or other fun activities.

The best approach is to proactively communicate with your adult children about the topic of discipline. 

Set a time for a conversation on how to support them as parents; this may help prevent tension or conflicts if everyone feels respected. Assure them that it is your desire to be as consistent as possible with their rules for their child. Be sure to LISTEN. Remember the ultimate responsibility for raising your grandchildren falls on their parents, not on you. Try to understand their perspectives even if they differ from yours. Keep in mind that your adult children may choose to discipline in a similar way as they were raised but their spouses may have diverse ideas about discipline stemming from a different background. Being a humble listener can prevent alienation before it happens. If you are close with the parents and agree for the most part, this process will be easier. However, if the relationships are strained, grandparents may feel they need to use extreme caution and “walk on eggshells” where discipline of grandchildren is concerned. You may need to ask for the parents’ suggestions on how to handle certain situations when at your home as well as share what rules or expectations you may have.

Sometimes the parents may give permission and delegate authority for you to discipline when the children are with you. But sometimes they may prefer you to leave it to them to discipline later. This can be a tricky situation to maneuver; ask God to give you wisdom, patience, and grace in how to handle these occasions. 

There are a couple of areas where you, as a grandparent, need to address the grandchild’s behavior when the children are in your home. 

First and foremost is safety. You must intervene if there is unsafe or dangerous behavior. Another instance where you may need to correct the child involves disrespect. It is certainly appropriate for grandparents to say something if rudeness has been directed to you or someone else. Calmly tell them that was rude and it’s not okay to talk to you (or others) like that. You could later tell the parents what happened and leave the consequences up to them.

Grandparents should not contradict boundaries parents have set or undermine their authority. If the parents have set bedtimes, for example, try to honor that as close as possible. Food is another area in which it is generally best to follow the parents’ guidance. Of course, grandparents will respect allergies or strong preferences while, at the same time, the food choices served in their homes is generally their decision. It is certainly alright to know that grandma’s house is different and may have its own rules. For example, my grandchildren are asked not to jump on furniture or help themselves to food in the refrigerator or cupboards without permission. We explain the rules and try to be consistent in their application. There’s no need to verbally disrespect their parents’ rules while calmly repeating the expectations we have. No harsh punishments are necessary or advised. Grandchildren may try to push the limits or to test the rules; it is tempting to give in but children do best with consistency so they know what to expect. If we are inconsistent with follow-through, we will be frustrated and the children will not feel the same sense of security provided by predictability.

When parents are present along with their children, grandparents should keep a low profile and resist intervening. 

To repeat an earlier message: the parents are in charge! Resist the temptation to lecture or tell the parents how to handle a misbehaving child. Wait to comment unless asked for your opinion or help (bite your tongue if necessary). In most cases it is best to defer to them with respect to discipline even if it differs from your approach. (One caveat here: if children are being abused, grandparents need to speak up.) The top priority for everyone is for the children to be safe and well cared for.

One of the most important ingredients in the discussion of disciplining grandchildren is LOVE. 

Make sure you let your grandkids feel your love and approval. Keep a good relationship with them. Offer praise and positive feedback to both grandchildren and their parents. It has been said that every criticism should be balanced by five affirmations to generate a positive relationship.

Differences in disciplinary approaches between grandparents and adult children are often the #1 source of conflicts between the generations. Researchers have reported that parents are more likely to limit the child’s time with grandparents when they are not supportive or compliant with the parents’ choices. We made our own mistakes when parenting our children and they will make some as well. A grandparenting mistake will be taking on the persona of a toxic grandparent who has favorites, uses guilt trip tactics, is too critical, or takes a judgmental approach. 

We have the choice of being a BLESSING to our grandchildren and their parents – or a problem to be solved. Let’s be a blessing!