This is the second installment of Tips for Grandparents with Special Needs Grandchildren with guest blogger and expert in special needs families, Bob West. Bob is founder and president of Need Project providing support and resources for special needs families.

As Bob says about grandparents in this situation, “We know you love your family, but it can be hard to know when and where to connect with them. It can be especially difficult when one of your grandchildren has a special need. While each family is different, having some insight into what your child is going through can help you know where your help will be most appreciated.”

Bob has two more important tips to help you in this process. Also, remember that as you are figuring out how best to support your children and grandchildren, the Need Project can help you. I encourage you to go to their website to find helpful resources designed to support your family on its journey.

Part II

We know you love your family, but it can be hard to know when and where to connect with them. It can be especially difficult when one of your grandchildren has a special need.  While each family is different, having some insight into what your child is going through can help you know where your help will be most appreciated.

TIP #3: All of your grandchildren need to be treated equally. It can be tough for a family, when one child faces significant medical issues, to be available to meet all the needs of other family members. Our middle son once told me that he wished he had cerebral palsy like his older brother. I knew that wasn’t what he meant; he wanted more time and attention from us. And he wasn’t being the least bit unfair. Having a child with special needs can seemingly tap all of a parent’s time and energy. As grandparents, you need to learn who each child is, and based on their unique gifts and interests connect with them in whatever way God has made available. It can be hard to know how to connect with a grandchild with a special need. The first step may be to learn about that special need. Our website www.needproject.org is designed to help you learn about different disabilities, so that you are prepared to show love to that child in an understanding way. It is also important to know that learning about a special need is only a starting point. Each child is uniquely made; research is a great place to start, but it won’t tell you the whole story. The Larimore family told me in one of our podcasts how doctors told them their daughter would never be able to do much. Not to pick on those doctors, but I hope the Larimores invited them to her wedding last year! Medical facts do not, by a longshot, define all that your grandchild will become. It isn’t that all children will be able to grow up and get married but I have seen many children exceed what doctors said was possible. Spending the time to get to know each of your grandchildren will allow you to see them for who they are, and you will be able to help them reach their full potential. Remember, each grandchild needs you to love them equally.

TIP #4: Parents need someone who is with them for the long haul! When a family in our church faces a crisis, people do a great job of organizing meals and prayer. This is wonderful for the family in need; the problem is it simply isn’t sustainable for what might be a lifetime. These programs are designed for short-term help, but we shouldn’t forget that many times, families can face years of medical appointments, surgery, or other unexpected hurdles. Our son had twelve surgeries over seventeen years. I can tell you that not all of them were traumatic; it became more routine over time, but this didn’t mean that we didn’t still need help. Asking how you can help, not just today but over a lifetime, is one gift that will bless your children and grandchildren more than you can imagine. It is also important to understand that they may not be able to express how you can help in all situations. Having a disabled son or daughter raises many questions, and not all of them have obvious answers. At least in the initial stages, many parents are dealing with shock. On top of that, it is in many people’s nature (my own included), to be self-reliant and independent, hesitant to admit that I need help even when I do. Letting your child know you are available and ready when they need you is a gift in itself. This humble act of love opens doors, and when your children are ready to let you come alongside them, you will make all the difference in the world!

Remember as you are figuring out how best to support your children and grandchildren, we at Need Project are here to help. Go to our website to find helpful resources designed to support your family on its journey.