Think back to the first time you experienced a significant loss. It was the end of summer following third grade when a few friends and I learned that a classmate’s younger sister had drowned in a lake. We stood silently with this friend after she returned from her family’s tragic vacation. Her characteristic smile was replaced by downcast eyes and a deafening silence. None of us could find words to say. We didn’t know then what I now understand about grieving.

Think about what you might do to console a grandchild who is experiencing profound grief for the first time. Maybe theirs isn’t as extreme as the death of a sibling; they might be mourning the loss of a pet they’ve had all their lives. They might be facing the loss of a parent through divorce, or the loss of school friends because of a change of address. All these experiences – and more – carry some measure of loss. The question is: How can we utilize our understanding of grieving to help our grandchildren navigate theirs? 

The first thing is to ask God to guide the way you interact with your grandchildren. He understands our every need intimately. “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NIV). Then move forward.

• Explain to your grandchildren that grief is a normal and healthy response to loss, not something to be ashamed of or to hide. 
• Acknowledge their pain, but avoid telling them how they are supposed to feel. There are no right or wrong feelings. 
• Be honest, but gentle with your choice of words. 
• Remind them that you are there to listen whenever they need to talk – and follow through on your commitment. 
• Let them cry, and be willing to cry with them.

Dealing With Young Grandchildren

Realize that if your grandchildren are young, they may not have the skills to express their feelings in the same way older children and adults are able to do. As babies, their primary way of communicating is through smiles or cries. Toddlers develop a simple vocabulary to say what they want or need, but lack the ability to understand the complexities of their feelings. Watch for changes from their normal behavior. They may act out negatively one minute then come to you for comfort the next. Keep yourself calm and steady to give them a safe space to rest.

• Let young children climb up into your lap for snuggles. It gives them a safe space while they navigate confusing or scary experiences.
• Don’t assume because they are young they cannot feel grief, or try to protect them from it. They are already grieving, but they may not understand why they feel sad. 
• Use open-ended questions. Asking “How did you feel when that happened?” can encourage them to talk. Depending on their response, you can gauge how much they understand and how best to console them.

Supporting Older Grandchildren

When children are old enough to understand abstract concepts, interactions take on a different dynamic. At this stage in their development, you can carry on a different kind of conversation. Help them with open-ended questions, as you would with younger children, to express what they are thinking and feeling. Perhaps they are afraid they will die too, or are thinking of harming themselves. You can address their questions as they are shared. Don’t diminish their loss with platitudes, such as: “They’re in a better place.” 

Be honest. It’s OK to say that death is painful. It’s OK to be sad, cry, and even be mad and ask why did it have to happen? Those are normal emotional responses to loss.

• Give them appropriate touches as they talk about their feelings. Hug them. Rest your hand on their shoulder. Don’t be surprised if even the oldest of your grandchildren initiates a hug. Everyone needs them at some time.
• Tell them how God carried you through your darkest periods of grief. You probably have more than enough experiences to share, but try to keep it to one that most closely aligns with what they are experiencing. 
• Encourage them to pray to God who loves them, and cares for them. Remind them of verses you shared with them over the years. Pray aloud, with them and for them, that God will help them through this period of grief.

By faith we know that God can turn all our pain into something beautiful. It’s a process; we all go through it. Reassure your grandchildren that the pain of the moment will subside with time. We can all grow and mature through the experience of loss if we allow our Lord to work all things out for us.