Grandparents! How about your kids? Are you undermining them or uplifting them?

When we first became grandparents, my wife and I made a mistake—we unintentionally neglected our daughter. All our attention went to the baby. Finally, she stopped us and said, in essence, “Hey, what about me? I’ve been around 30+ years!” That moment was a wake-up call.

Our children don’t stop being central within the family when grandchildren arrive. In fact, they are the bridge to those grandchildren. If that relationship weakens, access to the grandkids can as well. We’ve all heard stories of grandparents who no longer see their grandchildren because of strained relationships with their own children.

Adding to this, every new in-law brings a different background, different parenting styles, and sometimes very different values. That’s inevitable—and it can create tension. I remember my parents in in-laws being horrified when their grandson got a buzz cut (my dream when I became a parent, but in the era of bowl cuts!). It may sound humorous, but it reflects a deeper truth: differences can feel personal if we’re not careful.

Most of us also remember what it felt like when our own parents interfered in our parenting. We didn’t appreciate it then—and our kids won’t now. So how do we stay involved without overstepping?

I’ve found it helpful to think in three categories when interacting with our children about their parenting.

1. Personal Preferences — Accept

These are the “minor” issues: hairstyles, clothing choices, pacifiers, schedules, and so on. They may matter to us, but they are not worth damaging relationships over.

The response here is simple: accept and stay quiet. Zip it.

When we insert ourselves into these areas, we risk losing influence in the areas that truly matter. Don’t major in the minors. Instead, pray for your children and trust God with the details.

2. Core Issues — Address or Remain Silent

This is the more challenging category—issues of faith, discipline, values, and family traditions.

Here, the response is not automatic. It’s prayerful.

Start with prayer. Then seek wise, objective counsel from fellow believers. After that, decide: is this something to address, or something to entrust to God in silence?

If you choose silence, remember: God speaks powerfully even without words. The Bible records Jesus speaking a lot during the first 90% of His ministry, but not very much during the last 10%. Yet God spoke loudly to all of us even though Jesus spoke very little. Some of His greatest work happens when we step back and trust Him.

If you choose to address the issue, how you do it matters. Lead with humility and curiosity, not correction. Ask questions rather than making statements. Jesus is the master of the art of questioning. Read His reactions in Mark and learn from His example!

One simple approach:
Say to your child, “I have something on my heart I’d like to share. Could I have five minutes—and I promise I won’t bring it up again?”

Now you’re being invited into the conversation, not forcing your way in.

3. Crisis Situations — Act

This is the rare but serious category. Here, a child’s well-being is at risk—situations involving abuse, neglect, addiction, or serious harm.

In these moments, we don’t stay silent. We act.

Pray first—but then step in. This may mean opening your home, seeking help, or involving outside support. It won’t be easy, but sometimes it’s necessary. God places us in families not just for comfort, but for responsibility.

The framework is simple:

• Accept personal preferences 
• Address carefully—or remain silent on core issues 
• Act in times of crisis 

Grandparenting is a gift—but it also requires wisdom, restraint, and trust that God is at work in our children’s lives. When we get this balance right, we not only strengthen our relationship with our kids—we preserve and deepen our connection with our grandchildren as well.

*(This topic is addressed more full in chapter 15 of the book by Larry Hoekman, Intentional Grandparenting with God’s Vision available on Amazon)