It’s Not Just About the Grandchildren

Grandparenting will never be simply about the grandparents and the grandchildren. Parents are a critical factor in that relationship, and rightly so. When the relationships with our adult children is a strong and positive alliance, grandparenting becomes a joy.

Unfortunately, painfully tragic stories about grandparents being shut off from their grandchildren by one or both of the children’s parents is reality. While some of these situations could possibly be prevented, many may be outside our control. In either case, such situations, much like divorce, mean the children pay the heaviest price.

Between these two scenarios, various degrees of adversarial relationships exist. Some might allow grandparent involvement but with severe limitations on conversations about Jesus or religion. Others may not object to such conversations, but impose strict restrictions on things like gifts, food, and time with the grandchildren. 

So, what role can grandparents play in forging an environment that minimizes the adversarial aspect of parent-grandparent relationships? What part can grandparents play in creating a healthy, loving, and flourishing relationship?

While every family situation is different, one thing remains certain. Effective grandparenting requires, as much as is in our power, a strong, healthy relationship with our adult children and their spouses. While we may not have complete control over the triggers that can result in our adult children’s withdrawal or hostility, we must do all that is in our power to treat them with respect and kindness. If we don’t, more than our relationship with our adult children is at stake. 

At the risk of sounding overly simplistic, I have a few considerations for building an intentional ally-style relationship with your adult children. Despite difficult situations, these can be effective. There are no guarantees, however, ignoring them will most certainly lead to adversarial relationships.

• Pray regularly for your adult children, not just the grandchildren. They may or may not value or appreciate your prayers, but prayer helps align your expectations with God’s and allow God to use you as a conduit of the Spirit’s power to work in their hearts and minds. If they are already allies with you, knowing you are praying for them will strengthen their confidence in that relationship.
  
• Cultivate an environment of trust and respect. Let your adult children know you value and respect their role as parents. Make sure they have no reason to believe you are trying to supplant their authority. Guard against being preachy, negative, or judgmental. Let them know you are committed to doing everything you can to help them be successful parents.
  
• Be authentic and transparent about your relationship with Christ and what you know to be true. This is not about being in their face about your faith, but that your talk matches your walk. Let your words be seasoned with grace and love. Let the aroma they smell in you be the aroma of Christ, and not something else. May it be obvious that Christ is your all-satisfying treasure by the way you live and the things you value.
  
• Be alert to opportune moments to talk about truth by listening well. I suspect most parents, especially Christian parents, want you to have a positive impact on their children. So, it’s important they know you are the “real McCoy”, and not someone who has a hidden agenda and is out of touch with reality. Listening well yields opportunities to talk about life and truth you might not otherwise have.
  
• Don’t hide your imperfections or try to excuse your faults. It’s fine that they see the good things in your life. They also need to know that you own up to your shortcomings both now and in the past. The words “will you forgive me” or “I was wrong” go a long way to healing damaged relationships.
  
• Speak honorably and supportively about your adult children in the presence of your grandchildren. Make sure your grandchildren never hear you speak negatively about their parents—ever! Your adult children need to know you stand with them as the primary authority for the training and disciplining of their children. Never employ corporal discipline with your grandchildren without their permission according to what they deem appropriate. 

When things go bad, we must not give up hope. It is tempting to lash out and grow angry or bitter. Rather, let us go to our knees. In the most trying of times, we must renew our confidence in the One who is still on the throne with the power to turn evil into something good. Pray for your grandchildren and always pray for their parents. 

For those of you who have a positive relationship with your adult children and spouses, never stop praying for them as well. Do everything in your power to help your adult children succeed as parents. As Lillian Penner, author of Grandparenting With A Purpose, wrote, “In today’s broken world, Satan’s purpose is to destroy the family. It is important that we pray God will give our children wisdom and time management in their monumental task of guiding our grandchildren in the ways of the Lord.” Prayer is crucial in that task. 

If you think grandparenting is all about the grandkids, think again… and pray fervently.