The inner and outer package

We’ve all heard the saying, “Actions speak louder than words,” and in many ways, that’s true. However, our words have power—they speak loudly and can have a far-reaching impact. Though we try to speak with care, even the best of intentions can sometimes lead to unintended consequences.

For example, when my son was in college, we had a conversation about high school, during which my wife and I shared that we never pressured him about grades. He disagreed. When we asked why, he told us about a time when he brought home a report card with five A’s and one B. He remembered our response being, “What’s up with the B?” I’m sure his memory was accurate, but our ‘intention’ was simply to understand what had happened in that class—perhaps he missed a test or didn’t get along with the teacher. But the unintended consequence of our words was that he felt his grades had to be perfect, or we wouldn’t be happy with his performance. Until that moment, we didn’t realize he had interpreted our words that way.

Words spoken to our grandchildren carry a similar weight, especially when it comes to the questions we ask them. Questions reveal interest. When we ask someone a question, we are signaling that we care about what they have to say. In the same way, the questions we ask our grandkids communicate what’s important to us.

Let’s imagine your grandkids are visiting for a week during the school year. At the end of the week, you’ve probably asked them questions like: “How was school today?” “Do you have any homework?” “Did you brush your teeth before bed?” “Are your clothes ready for school tomorrow?” These are all good, practical questions, but I realized that most of the questions I asked focused on what I call their “outer package”—external things we can see or measure.

But God doesn’t just care about the outer package; He cares more about our heart. In 1 Samuel 16:7b (NIV), God tells Samuel, “The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”As grandparents who follow Christ, we should be just as concerned about the inner package as we are about the outer one. But how do we show that we care about their hearts?

The types of questions that reflect a concern for the inner package may be a bit more challenging to come up with, but they are deeply impactful. Here are a few examples: “Did you see God at work at school today?” “Are there any friends we can pray for?” “How was your attitude during soccer practice?” “Did you pray or read a devotional before bed?” These questions communicate to our grandkids that we care not just about their routines, but about their spiritual lives and character.

If we, as Christ-following grandparents, focus only on questions about the outer package—grades, appearance, or activities—we risk unintentionally shaping our grandkids’ priorities. Over time, they may place more importance on external factors than on the condition of their hearts. And that’s a connection we want to avoid.

This doesn’t mean we should stop asking the important outer-package questions. But we must also make time for questions that focus on the inner package—questions that will encourage our grandkids to grow in faith, character, and spiritual maturity. Imagine the lasting impact you could have if your grandkids remembered you as the one who always asked about their spiritual lives—maybe even the only one who did. What a beautiful legacy that would be.

Next time you’re with your grandkids, try asking at least one question that focuses on their heart, like: “How did you see God working today?” or “What’s something you’re thankful for this week?” You don’t need to overthink it—just start with a simple question. And remember, even small questions, spoken with love and care, can make a lasting impact. Let’s be intentional with our words. Our questions can shape their hearts and, in turn, help point them toward Jesus.

Get a copy of Larry’s book, Intentional Grandparenting With God’s Image at Amazon.com.