Grandparents Navigating the World of Transgenderism
It is true that “ideas have consequences, and bad ideas have victims”. This truism might never be more applicable than to today’s insistence upon a gender identity ideology based upon “feelings” and the push to “discover yourself”. The world, our own flesh, and Satan are hard at work to victimize our children today and discourage them from living in the fullness of who they really are. It can feel like an impossible task to help our grandchildren navigate a world that is no longer rooted in moral authority, and antagonistic towards God and absolute truth.
I recently spoke with grandparents facing this with their pre-teen granddaughter—a charming, vivacious 12-year-old girl. She had decided she was really a boy and preferred being called by her chosen boy’s name. The most painful piece of this story is her parents’ encouragement to pursue “transitioning” if that’s what she feels like doing, with little conversation about the consequences involved. In fact, the parents forbid any attempts by the grandparents to raise their concerns.
How do we handle matters like this? I cannot possibly address all the issues and implications in this article of rejecting God’s created distinctives between male and female. I admit that my position on this matter will not align with the cultural mainstream. Yet, however forcefully those in power today say otherwise, I believe we are living in a time of growing irrationality about gender identity. The purveyors of this radical gender ideology in political, educational, medical, media, and social arenas make no apologies for labeling any dissent (including family members) as bigoted and hateful.
So, what’s a grandparent, who believes God created a different reality, to do? While I can’t adequately answer that question here, I will attempt a few key suggestions. While there are more considerations than the three biblical realities below, these are foundational:
First, know what God’s Word says.
If you believe God is the final word on matters of identity, then let the Word shape your strategies accordingly. What does God’s Word say?
- God created man male and female ON PURPOSE (Genesis 1:26-28). God created males to be males and females to be females. He did not create a generic human creature who gets to decide what sex it feels like being. No other mammal in God’s creation is created that way. Our grands need to know that both maleness and femaleness express God’s goodness. Remind them that God created us thusly on purpose for a purpose. From the beginning Satan cast doubt on God’s authority by asking, “Did God really say?” Be clear early on that the way God made them is a great and wonderful thing. Show them what it means to value this truth.
- God has a PURPOSE FOR creating humans male and female. His purpose involves a uniquely beautiful, fulfilling, and fruitful union (one flesh) in marriage. (Genesis 2:24) God’s intentional design for a one-flesh union of male and female in marriage is powerfully accomplished through the sex act between husband and wife as part of a lasting “leave and cleave” commitment. It was His perfect plan for our good, our joy, and our pleasure to build families from this union for the flourishing of society. Whether they choose to marry or not, we intentionally raise them with the conviction that the difference between boys and girls is designed expressly for this beautiful outcome between a man and a woman. They need to understand that our sexuality matters (but not as Freud advocates). Sexuality is God’s idea, and He alone has the final word on it.
- Parents AND grandparents are accountable for what they instruct. We must not neglect Paul’s command in Ephesians 6:4 to, “Bring up your children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” There is no justification for making “feelings” the basis for decisions that subject our children to traumatic, irreversible procedures without honest conversations. Before it’s too late ask for an opportunity to calmly, honestly, and graciously discuss the realities that are often overlooked in such catastrophic decisions. Our conversations must be grace-filled, but they also need to be truthful about how God wonderfully made them as boys or girls, and why. If we don’t tell them the truth, the world will sell them a lie – and they could become the victims of a bad idea.
Second, we must PRAY DILIGENTLY and ask God to fill us with all spiritual wisdom and understanding (Colossians 1:9-10).
Even if you have a grasp of the issues and consequences involved, only God can give “spiritual wisdom” for approaching and addressing these issues with our adult children and/or grandchildren. Ask God to reveal in us in what ways we have allowed the spirit of this age to compromise the Gospel and spiritual wisdom.
Third, we must love our grandchild, wherever they are in the transitioning process, in the same way Christ loves us.
Would we not run to the rescue of a grandchild about to jump off a cliff without a parachute because he/she “feels” invincible? Love demands intervention when needed, even if it means “being the bad guy” for their sake. Concurrently, love is never condemning or resentful, but we must discuss why feelings are rarely a good measure of reality. Speak the truth graciously. Love them deeply as an image-bearer of God who made them on purpose and with a purpose. When opportunity exists to change course, wise, compassionate counsel is warranted, even if not well received.
Fourth, find a way, grandparents, to honestly examine this gender identity issue with your adult children.
Gender identity is no small, harmless matter for children, and it’s very confusing. Gender identity is a new ideology to most of us. Courage and openness are important, but if a parent has a different view, come to them with questions for the sake of understanding, not condemnation. You may discover they have done little real due diligence on this issue, or that you have misjudged what they’re thinking. Come from a prayer-driven posture in which you ask God to search your own heart and thoughts first (Psalm 139:23-24).
Finally, there needs to be an urgency about these things in our day.
Neglecting to help our children grow up in a natural and happy way into adulthood will simply encourage them to succumb to the current wave of cultural rebellion against God, one that is not only destructive to them, but to society. Do your research. Don’t simply rely on your “feelings”. Learn about the influences that shaped where we are today. Join arms with others in similar circumstances to inform and encourage one another.
I’ve included a list of resources below to help you. Most politicians, newscasters, and educators will not give you the whole picture. We live in a strange new world where justice is increasingly rooted in “power” instead of factual reality. You need to do your own digging into the truth about gender identity—one based upon reality, not cultural tastes, or feelings.
Do not let fear inhibit you. Winston Churchill once said, “Fear is a reaction; courage is a decision.” Don’t be discouraged by the overwhelming, irrational voices. Instead, choose to invest enough time to learn the truth. Find the courage to speak truth with grace in your family. You may be the only one who truly loves them enough to ask the hard questions.
RESOURCE RECOMMENDATIONS:
- Strange New World by Carl R. Trueman (A simplified edition of Trueman’s larger work The Rise and Triumph of the Modern Self)
- Identify Theft: Reclaiming the Truth of Who We Are in Christ; A collaborative work by several writers on behalf of The Gospel Coalition (available on Amazon).
- Repenting of Trans Pronouns: True Love Requires True Language by John Stonestreet and Shane Morris of the Colson Center’s Breakpoint daily broadcasts (www.breakpoint.org)
- “Understanding Gender Confusion” podcast with Denise Shick by the Legacy Coalition (www.legacycoalition.com/podcast)
My preschool granddaughter’s other grandparents are part of a liberal church. They think transgenderism is a valid and natural thing and should be embraced. They think they are being tolerant and accepting and think those who disagree are cruel and inhumane. My daughter-in-law and son are very conservative Christians (like I am) and are afraid these grandparents will influence their little girl’s thinking in a non-Biblical way. She spends a lot of time alone with them at their home while her parents work. They are very influential in her life. They are highly educated and have a very impressive and authoritative way of talking to her about everything, and she hangs on their words and believes what they tell her.
Here’s the question: my daughter-in-law has asked me for ideas on how to talk with her own parents in a loving and peaceful way about her wishes (and my son’s) that they NOT talk favorably to their little girl about transgender ideas. She loves them and doesn’t want to hurt their feelings, but definitely disagrees with their beliefs about this and sees it for the danger it can be to her child. Do you have any ideas about how she can approach this issue with her parents? Thank you!