Way back in the Garden of Eden, God established His plan for a man and woman to marry and raise children. It all worked perfectly until the serpent intervened and led the man and woman astray, creating disunity between couples that continues to this day. (Genesis 2-3) It hits hard when your adult children suffer through the effects of divorce; the same holds true for an unmarried breakup. It is heart wrenching to watch your innocent grandchildren suffer the ramifications of their parents’ poor choices.
The question remains: “What can you do as a grandparent to help your grandchildren navigate the unsettling effects of a divorce?” Here are my suggestions:
Be a safe place for your grandkids to talk about their feelings and emotions.
Be kind, but clear with your grandchildren they are not responsible for the choices their parents made. The choice to end a marriage is made by a husband and/or wife. Children often blame themselves for their parents’ divorce. They may believe their actions led to disagreements between their parents that caused friction, thereby taking the blame for someone else’s decisions on themselves.
Shower your grandchildren with encouragement and affirmations.
Listen when they express their feelings about the loss of family unity. Allow them to grieve for a parent who no longer lives with them. Ask questions to help them express their emotions, but try not to react with shock or disapproval at what they might say. Avoid hitting them with your idea of how they “should” feel. Feelings are personal; there is no right or wrong about them. Give your grandchildren the grace to process the situation at their own speed. Lavish them with hugs.
Avoid blaming or criticizing one parent or the other.
Your grandchildren are the offspring of two imperfect adults. In part, children gain their identity from their parents, so criticizing either of them may feel like you’re emotionally slapping your grandchild in the face. This may be easier said than done; we all have opinions. Remember that we all have sinned and share equally in our need of Jesus’ saving grace. “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.” (1 John 1:8, NIV)
Demonstrate what a good marriage looks like to your grandchildren.
I learned from my parents what a loving marriage looked like. At a celebration of one of their anniversaries, someone asked my father, “What’s your secret to a lasting marriage?” My father answered, “We just take care of each other.” Those words summed up what I witnessed throughout my childhood. “Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away.” (Song of Songs 8:7, NIV)
It is especially important that your grandchild has a good example of what marriage was meant to be according to God’s plan when they are not experiencing that in their own nuclear family. The bonus for you could be a more joyful commitment in your marriage.
Encourage your grandchildren to pray for their parents.
Prayer is a powerful weapon against Satan, the spiritual enemy of God. Pray with your grandchildren for their parents to resist ungodly influences and rely on Jesus to direct their decisions. I recently heard Dr. Eddie Capparucci say, ”Honor your father and mother, but be honest about your father and mother.” His words reminded me of God’s command, noted in both the Old and New Testament, that we are to bring honor to our parents by the way we live our lives. “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.” (Exodus 20:12) “Honor your father and mother, and, You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 19:19) Remember this is not a carte-blanc directive to ignore or agree with any poor choices their parents may have made.
Teach them about Jesus.
Jesus loved us all so much He died so every one of us could be with Him for eternity. (John 3:16) Remember to thank the Lord for all He has done for you. Thank Him for the precious grandchildren whose lives you endeavor to influence for good. Show your grandchildren, by example, how to live as a follower of Christ.
May the Fruit of the Spirit flow through your life into the hearts of your grandchildren, regardless of the outcome of their family situation. Trust that the Lord has a plan and a purpose for your lives in the midst of every trial.
Unless otherwise noted, Scripture references are from the English Standard Version (ESV).
Excellent. Ty.
This all sounds wonderful but not feasible in most situations. For one thing a grandmother on the none custodial side gets very little time alone with the children. Even if you are the person who has been closest to them outside of their parents since their birth. When they do see you they just want your love and stability. In some situations there isn’t any way to even communicate with them. Especially if they are too young for cell phones. The opposing parent doesn’t allow communication because it allows the children to continue bonding with you. I worry 24/7 about my grandkids. What little time I get with them I can see their lives suffering. No judge will listen to a grandparent. It is enough for them to just deal with the parents. My grandkids had so much pitential and are now lost to the system.
Dear Lisa,
Your grief speaks through your words. They echo the pain of so many others in similar situations, including myself.
My encouragement to you is: Do not give up. Nobody can take away your ability to pray for them. You may be the only one who is praying on their behalf. If you don’t know what to pray, ask the Spirit to intercede for you James 1:5-6 is a wonderful reminder: “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt…” The Father hears our heartfelt prayers and answers in ways we cannot imagine.
Continue to give them unconditional love and stability, no matter what. At some time in the future, you may be surprised to learn how much your faithfulness has impacted their lives. I join you in prayer.
Barb