“Good grief…”

We’d recognize that character, his voice and quintessential catchphrase, anywhere. It’s Charlie Brown, the character brought to life by Charles Schultz through his syndicated comic strip, Peanuts. You may even have a soft spot for Charlie Brown, who in the holiday classic, Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, seemingly falters in his attempt to prepare a holiday meal for his friends.

 Let’s be honest. “Good” isn’t a word normally attributed to grief—especially during the holidays. Navigating grief during the stretch between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day can be arduous; after all, the season’s sights and sounds serve as painful reminders of our loss and subsequent suffering. Our Christmas memories turn bittersweet in the wake of our tears, and our resolve to smile through the festivities starts to crumble.

 So how does one survive? 

Remember that grief is normal and unavoidable.

Because the holiday season presents more reminders of your loved ones than other times of the year, grief is both normal and UNAVOIDABLE. It’s important for you to remember that the stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance—aren’t linear. In other words, you won’t experience these emotions in a specific order or at a certain time. They’ll hit you like a vortex spinning out of control when you least expect it. That’s why the next tip is so important; that’s why a strategic survival plan is imperative.

Develop a holiday survival plan before the holidays arrive.

The first step in developing a holiday survival plan begins with identifying difficult social hurdles, such as a special program at church, a family dinner, or the neighborhood caroling party. Remind yourself that you don’t have to do everything you used to do. You can respectfully decline these invitations. You can even start a new tradition, such as treating yourself to your favorite restaurant on Thanksgiving or traveling during the Christmas holidays.

 For those social engagements that you plan to attend, it’s wise to have a graceful exit plan in place. For example, if you want to attend the Christmas Eve service but fear that you’ll begin to cry uncontrollably, don’t sit in the front pew. Position yourself in the back, so you can slip out comfortably.  If you plan on attending a party, tell the host or hostess in advance that you probably can’t stay the whole time. When you are exhausted or you can’t take another sympathetic look, you can leave early without being pressured to stay or have anyone take offense. You may want to consider preparing yourself for each situation by writing a response and rehearsing what to say when people ask how you are coping (or when they make insensitive comments about changes in your appearance).

 The second step in developing a holiday survival plan is to anticipate the emotional ambushes or trigger points that will cause you to dissolve into tears. These are the things that serve as poignant and painful reminders of your loss and/or loved one. Things to consider: family traditions, Christmas carols and decorations, holiday scents, and special foods. For example, how are you going to react when you unpack the now faded stocking you knitted for your son’s first Christmas or smell the scent of fresh fir boughs, which your husband loved?

 As you mentally prepare for these social hurdles and emotional ambushes, it’s important to consider the specific role your loved one played in the holidays and how Thanksgiving and Christmas will look different without them. For example, who is going to carve the Thanksgiving turkey now that your brother is gone? Or how are you going to react when another soprano sings “Silent Night” other than your wife?

 The third step in developing a holiday survival plan is to take proper care of your health and well-being during the holidays. This includes getting enough sleep, taking outdoor walks, bathing regularly, limiting the number of events on your calendar, and avoiding mind-numbing alternatives such as alcohol and pornography. It also includes identifying people with whom you want to spend the holidays. Choose friends and family who are supportive and will remind you that you are going to make it.

Offer an abundance of grace to yourself and others.

The first person to whom you need to offer grace is yourself. After all, you have experienced a tremendous loss. Determine your needs on a day-to-day basis. Give yourself the permission to laugh at one moment and cry the next. And try not to succumb to Charlie Brown’s sentiments when he says, “I don’t feel bad for myself; I just feel bad because I’ve ruined everyone’s Thanksgiving.” After all, on those days when grief stops you in your tracks, it’s fine to stay at home in your most comfortable pajamas, feasting on a slice of toast and bowl of buttered popcorn. Charlie Brown’s friend, Peppermint Patty, wouldn’t approve; then again, she doesn’t understand grace.

 In the same respect, you need to give grace to the members of your family who are also grieving by remembering that their needs may differ from yours. For example, you may want to act as though Thanksgiving is an ordinary day on the calendar while your children and grandchildren long for Grandma’s homemade apple pie and some semblance of a normal Thanksgiving dinner. While it will be difficult, you may have to balance your needs with those of your family.

Last but not least, remember to offer grace to friends and acquaintances who don’t know what to say or how to react when they are in your company. Grace includes being honest with them about your feelings. Let them know whether or not it’s a good day to talk about your loved one, and forgive them when their words seem heartless, insensitive, or cruel. God has given you this opportunity to teach them that grief is a journey; one that they, too, will someday walk.

Remember that God is with you.

When you don’t know who is going to carve the Thanksgiving turkey, God is with you. When you can’t bear the thought of another soloist replacing your wife in the church choir, God is with you. When the sight of a knitted Christmas stocking or the smell of freshly cut pine reduces you to tears, God is with you. When you decline the neighborhood caroling-party or indulge yourself in a half-gallon of mint-chocolate-chip ice cream, God is with you. And when grace seems as though it has packed its bags and left town, God is with you. You will survive this holiday season, difficult as it may be. How? Because God is with you.

 Charles Schultz’ comic strip character, the lovable Charlie Brown, endeared himself to us with a two-word phrase that is suggestive of an oxymoron. Good grief. Can grief ever be good? The answer is YES. Grief can and will be good when you discover its silver lining. His name is Jesus. He is Immanuel; he is God With Us.

Author’s Note:

*For those of you who are burdened with loss this holiday season, I urge you to look at the information available on Grief Share’s website (www.griefshare.org) or call them at 800-395-5755. Please consider joining a weekly group in your area. ** I highly recommend Julie Grant’s book, Streams of Light in a Heart Broken. In addition to being an excellent writer and dear friend, Julie serves as a Grief Share volunteer. Streams of Light from a Heart Broken: Hopeful Reflections on a Grief-Shadowed Journey: Grant, Julie: 9781664258181: Amazon.com: Books