James 1:17 – Every good and perfect gift is from above. . .

You might be surprised to see a blog for grandparents on giving gifts to their grandchildren. After all, wouldn’t that be like offering suggestions to Rembrandt on how to paint or to Tiger Woods on how to play golf? 

However, we encountered many frustrated Christian parents when we interviewed them before writing A Parents’ Guide to Great Grand-Partnering. One topic that triggered many requests for our advice was how to rein in the grandparents’ out-of-control gift-giving habits. Alas, as is so often true, even good-hearted people can lose perspective and turn blessings into burdens. 

We’re writing to help you avoid creating these challenges for your families.

Two Kinds of Giving

Our experience shows there are two kinds of giving, which we call:  lavish and gracious. 

• Lavish giving aims to benefit the givers.
• Gracious giving aims to benefit the recipients.

Those who give lavishly to their grandchildren tend to inundate them with numerous expensive and extravagant gifts with the intent to draw attention to the givers’ wealth and generosity. Of course, these gifts may also reveal their insecurity and need for attention. Lavish giving by the grandparents frustrates and confounds parents because it makes their own gifts to the children seem insignificant and even stingy. Unfortunately, it may cause the children to develop distorted attitudes toward material things that will always lead to dissatisfaction later in life. Worst of all, it can lead them to view their grandparents as sources of “stuff” instead of love, affection, and wisdom.

In contrast, grandparents who engage in gracious giving, give only a few carefully selected gifts to their grandchildren that meet their needs and help develop their hearts and minds while shaping healthy attitudes toward material things. 

Gracious giving also allows parents to be gift-giving “heroes” in their children’s eyes. Finally, it provides a good model for appropriate behavior when the children become grandparents.

What if?

If you can afford to give more gifts, we have several suggestions on how you can avoid being “lavish.” 

Those who live at a distance can give the present of their presence by traveling to be with the grandchildren and parents for Christmas, a birthday, or other special event. Another option involves providing an experience, like a mission trip or (our favorite) a CGN-affiliated GrandCamp retreat with grandchildren in the 7-12 age range. 

Of course, contributions to the grandchildren’s college funds are always good, even though they won’t be appreciated until later. However, gracious giving is accomplished for the children’s benefit, not their gratitude! 

Another possibility is helping the family sponsor a child through an agency like Compassion International so the grandchildren can experience giving to help others learn about Jesus.

My love language?

We’ve heard some grandparents lament that they don’t like limiting their gifts because gift-giving is their “love language.” Of course, we honor their self-designated status, but we also gently encourage them to give helpful gifts that are not material items. More importantly, we strongly suggest they should not want to create problems for the parents and children by giving too many unsuitable and even unwelcome gifts!

How, then, can you give graciously?

Here are some useful tips for grandparents on how to give graciously.

You can begin with an honest self-assessment of your motives for giving. Are you being truly generous while serving the recipients’ needs and best interests or are you seeking attention for yourself? If it’s the latter, we suggest you focus on others’ needs, not your own.

For us, the beginning and ending points in planning our family gifts is simply asking the parents what they would like their children to receive! Of course, our request puts a bit of a burden on them, but it’s always immensely helpful for them later.

This approach eliminates our frustration of searching high-and-low for a gift that might be good only to discover they already have the item or will be receiving one from someone else. The parents’ guidance is also essential for choosing the right clothing styles and sizes without duplicating what’s in their closet (or what someone else is giving them). 

We suggest it’s generally futile to ask the children what they want because they usually blurt out what first comes to their mind, which probably won’t be remotely close to what their parents want for them or even what they really want!

In closing

Gift-giving is such a great opportunity to express our love and serve our families that we grandparents should never waste it by trying to make ourselves look good while creating problems and inconvenience. 

We encourage you to be gracious with your gifts to your grandchildren and lavish your love on them instead of expensive gifts.