Pew Research reports that one out of six minor children live in blended families. One-third of all weddings today form a blended or step-family. This means either one or both the bride and groom bring one or more children into the marriage. All newlyweds face adjustments and challenges, and these are multiplied when the family unit begins with more than a husband and a wife. Self-control is vital to successfully joining together a divergent group into a family unit.

Death or divorce typically precede this marriage. The children, whether young or adult, may need time and help to grieve their losses. In the case of divorce, kids may need time to adjust to having a “replacement parent” or may feel divided loyalties between their two biological parents. The newlywed couple will often have different parenting styles or philosophies that require extra communication and support for one another. 

Parents of adult children who are entering a blended marriage may not approve of the new spouse or the timing of the marriage. They may become first time grandparents or “instant grandparents” to the new spouse’s children. Likewise, when older parents remarry, their adult children may face stressful adjustments as decisions about money, inheritance, or family holidays can become complex. All of these situations bring opportunity for conflict and disagreements; they underscore the need for self-control in order to overcome these barriers to a loving, peaceful home.

Self-centeredness is natural to families and to every individual. Proverbs 25:28 (NIV) describes a city (or a family) where self-centeredness rules: “Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control”. Self-control, however, is supernatural and is required for the ability to show grace in conflicts. It is a matter of the heart: it is not willpower, as some might declare. It is heart-power driven by what you desire. In Galatians 5:22-23 (ESV), The Fruit of the Spirit lists self-control last. Perhaps this is because it is necessary to have self-control in order to demonstrate all the previously listed attributes: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness.

Jesus Christ is our best model of self-control. “The Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many” (Matthew 20:28, ESV). He made the excruciatingly painful choice based on a sacrifice of love for us. His motivation was clear: a deep love for each person He created and the desire for them to have an abundantly full life (John 10:10, ESV).

The apostle Paul contrasts a self-centered life with a spiritually self-controlled life: “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,” (Philippians 2:3-5, ESV). The motivation for living the self-controlled life is gratitude for Jesus’ sacrifice for me and the desire to have my life glorify Him. Because of being the recipient of His love, grace, and strength, I can choose not to give in to impulses or natural desires. I can choose the loving action and reject the self-centered reaction in each circumstance. 

Living a self-controlled life is a humbling challenge taken one step at a time. There are no quick fixes; it doesn’t happen overnight. As far as blended families are concerned, it’s helpful to be appreciative of small steps in a lifetime of growth as self-control is applied in each interaction within the new family.

Remember to:

• Allow each person the freedom to have their own timeframe for  adjusting to and becoming familiar with one another.
• Practice good listening skills (prioritize listening over instant problem solving).
• Be open to trying new ways of doing things, such as holidays, schedules, even laundry or house-cleaning.
• Be sensitive to one another’s past experiences and the feelings each one may have; show honor and mutual respect to one another.
• Be on the lookout for ways to have fun together and build new memories.
• Remind each one that he or she is valuable and important to the success of this new family unit.
• Trust God to be at work as you look to Him for guidance and strength to have Spirit-led self-control.

Prayer: Lord Jesus, thank You that You modeled humility and self-control when You went to the cross on our behalf. We are so grateful to You! Help us to grow in this same “heart-power” to resist our selfish impulses. May we grow in the ability to make self-controlled choices that are in the best interest of those in our families so that You may knit our hearts together for Your glory. Amen.