The word “love” is used rather haphazardly in today’s world. People will express their love for a certain coffee drink, a particular sports team, a clothing style, and a favorite hobby or activity. They then use the same word to describe their feelings for their spouse, child, or good friend. Most Christians are familiar with Jesus’ explanation of the Greatest Commandment in Mark 12:28-31 to wholeheartedly love God and then your neighbor.
What is love and where does it originate?
Twice in I John 4:7-19, we read that “God is love.” God created it, he is the source of it, he is the definition of it, and it is the very center of his nature. He is the perfect example of love as demonstrated by sending his Son Jesus Christ to die on our behalf while we were rejecting him (Romans 5:8). That kind of love is an action, not simply an emotion. It is seeking the best for another regardless of our feelings. To love is not the same as to like.
It is easy to love others when we are loved; this is circumstantial and based on feelings. But what about those who frustrate, anger, criticize, disappoint, hurt, or even just plain annoy us? Can we be genuinely loving to them when they are unlovely? Our human love is imperfect and limited. Our own brokenness makes us incapable of producing that kind of love. Since Christ calls us to love selflessly, how then can we do that? By faking it since we can’t do it on our own? No, of course not.
First, we must recognize that God is the only One who can love perfectly. After we face our own need for Christ’s love and grace, relying on His loving forgiveness for us, we can more sincerely love others whether they are lovely or not.
Why would we make the effort to love others who are so difficult?
It proves God’s presence in our lives. Love is the first characteristic of the Holy Spirit’s indwelling (I Corinthians 13). Jesus loved people who slandered, criticized, betrayed, tortured, and even killed Him. When he says, “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.” (John 15:12), he is calling us to love even when it is undeserved or unreciprocated. Loving this way demonstrates that we are a child of God, not a pagan. By loving others the way God loves us, we are giving evidence that we love God. It is a response to the love He has shown to us . When we love “the least of these” as described in Matthew 25:40, we are demonstrating our love for Jesus. Withholding encouragement, affirmation, and love or withdrawing from difficult people is a form of rejecting not only them but also our Lord Jesus.
Action Steps for Loving the Unlovely:
- Pray for the Holy Spirit’s help since God is the only One able to love in this way.
- Spend time in the Word of God. It is full of encouragement, wisdom, and practical advice on the topic of loving.
- Decide to relinquish judgment or the attempt to “fix” or change the unlovely person. It is always a temptation to judge when we’ve been hurt by another. Instead, ask yourself, “If this person never becomes lovely by my standard, can I love him/her anyway?”
- Remember that they are also God’s precious and beloved child carrying within them His Imago Dei (giving them infinite worth to God). View them through His eyes.
- Remind yourself of the reason for loving an unlovely person: to glorify and honor God. We love others because we’ve been loved by God and forgive because we’ve been forgiven.
- Pray for them. God changes our own hearts as we pray for blessings in another person’s life – even for enemies.
- Spend time in I Corinthians 13 as you consider the actions described there that demonstrate God’s kind of love. Don’t depend on warm, fuzzy feelings; instead, find an action point .
- Be patient with yourself and take one step at a time. With the Holy Spirit enabling you can love the unlovely.
Prayer
Lord, thank You for loving me when I was unlovely, for forgiving me when I was estranged from You. Forgive me for the opportunities I’ve missed to pass that love on to another. Help me to see others through Your eyes and give me the courage to love like Jesus. Amen
Scripture references are in English Standard Version (ESV).
Long-time lurker here, first-time commenter. I appreciate a lot of posts I’ve seen here and have found them to be helpful, but I feel I have to say something about this one.
The problem with this is that children are more perceptive than we often give them credit for. No amount of rationalizing can make a child feel like their parent or grandparent loves them if that trusted adult is barely tolerating them. No amount of pretty, biblical-sounding words can make a child feel safe and loved. The only ones who benefit from this are the people who have a need to feel righteous while judging others to be “unlovely” (i.e., unloveable)
This post did help me to recognize a truth, however, so thank you for that. My parents would have agreed with everything written here, so I was raised with a very similar philosophy, and this approach to “christlike” love is familiar to me. What I realized is that I am not unlovable. It was never about me. They were just incapable of loving me, and that is on them. I would have some amount of sympathy for them because they missed out on so much of the best parts of life. But I can’t quite get there due to the utter devastation they left in my life because of it.
I don’t think that true christlike love can be this emotionless, philosophy-only, theoretical “love.” True christlike love must be felt by the recipient, and it must be felt and interpreted by them as loving. I think that’s the whole point of it being something we can’t do on our own. It has to be something god does in us. Because we aren’t capable of forcing ourselves to feel something we don’t. We have to rely on him to create those feelings in us. Absent that, I think it’s better to just be honest with ourselves and others that we don’t, in fact, love those people and that we are waiting on God to change that.
Thank you for your wonderful article. It has encouraged me to love a person that has hurt me deeply. It is so easy to get stuck in negative thoughts about another person. Even though I have forgiven this person, I haven’t gone the extra step to be willing to show love to her. Just asking God to give me that love for her has already started to change my heart. In a world where so much hate is proclaimed, your article brings me back to what God would have me do. By the power of the Holy Spirit he can change me from the inside.