“Grandma, don’t leave me,” my two-year-old granddaughter wailed.
I started the car engine, ignoring my inclination to rush back into the house. Instead, I blew her one last kiss and pulled from the driveway.
What kind of grandmother could leave her granddaughter under these circumstances? The answer is simple: one who believes in healthy boundaries for grandparents.
My granddaughter wasn’t being mistreated, harmed or neglected. She and I had enjoyed a lovely time, gathering shells at the beach and satisfying ourselves on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches before returning home for the afternoon. When her mother lovingly but firmly announced that it was time for a nap, I kissed my granddaughter good-bye and slipped out the front door. That’s when her dramatics began.
If I had returned, I would have overstepped my boundaries, undermining her mother’s authority and reinforcing my granddaughter’s attempt to postpone her nap.
Most of us are respectful of physical boundaries, which define our property lines. Boundaries such as split-rail or chain-link fences. Are we aware of the intangible boundaries surrounding our personhood or the personhood of our grandchildren and their parents? In order to experience healthy grandparent boundaries, we need to know what our role as a grandparent is, and what it is not.
Sadly, we live in an age when the role of grandparents isn’t clearly defined. Society is ambiguous, the Church remains uncharacteristically silent, and resources are limited. In order to find a well-defined job description for grandparents, we must turn our attention to Scripture.
Deuteronomy 4:9 states, “Watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.” Psalm 78:1-8 commands us to tell the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord and to teach his commands to the fourth generation. In simple terms, our role as grandparents is to pass a legacy of faith to future generations.
When we assume false roles or responsibilities that do not belong to us, we trespass against the parents of our grandchildren, against our grandchildren or against ourselves. The following scenarios provide examples of each:
Trespass #1: Grandparents Who Co-Parent
Kathleen insisted upon giving her grandson a pacifier when he came to visit, contrary to his parents’ wishes. Now she’s devastated, because her son and daughter-in-law, exhausted from arguments about the blue binkie, refuse to bring the baby for a visit.
The breakdown in Kathleen’s family began when she failed to respect her son and daughter-in-law’s authority as parents. Decisions about child rearing, from pacifiers to potty training, bedtime to discipline, belong to the parents.
A grandparent who crosses the boundary and begins to co-parent creates the proverbial three-legged race, leaving the grandchild confused about the person who is in the position of authority. The question becomes, “Who’s raising this child?” Eventually, the child will use the confusion to his advantage, manipulating situations to get what he wants.
Our role as grandparents is to walk as allies and help the parents of our grandchildren become the best parents they can be. (Cavin Harper, Courageous Grandparenting, page 35)
Trespass #2: Grandparents Who Enable
Betty Lou’s grandson wants to attend an outdoor concert with his high school buddies, but he is scheduled to work delivering pizzas. Betty Lou, in her misguided attempt to be a loving and sympathetic grandmother, forges a work excuse for him. With the stroke of her pen, she not only commits a crime, she gives her grandson permission to do likewise.
“Things that cause people to sin are bound to come, but woe to that person through whom they come,” Jesus warns. “It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of the little ones to sin” (Luke 17:1-2).
Trespass #3: Grandparents Who Buy Love
Dave and Brenda enter WalMart’s check-out line, their shopping cart laden with expensive toys and electronics, candy and clothes, everything on their grandchildren’s Christmas list and more. They flash a credit card without considering the cost; after all, nothing is too good for their grandchildren.
With each scan of a barcode, Dave and Brenda buy into the cultural lie that God created us to be an open wallet or a “fun factory” for our grandchildren.
We cannot help but ask if Dave and Brenda are buying their grandchildren’s love—and at what cost? Are they unintentionally teaching their grandchildren a monetary value can be placed on love and self-worth?
Trespass #4: Grandparents Who Are Taken for Granted
Tom heaves a sigh as he lifts the last bag of groceries onto the kitchen counter. He and his wife have been running a rent-free boarding house, since their daughter and her two children moved home. Tom and his wife share the responsibilities—cooking meals, cleaning house, doing laundry and caring for the little ones—while their daughter chats on Facebook. Tom suspects she is pregnant again.
Tom believes his daughter is taking advantage of their hospitality. He thinks she should assume household responsibilities or find a job and pay rent. His wife, however, fears if they make these demands, their daughter will leave with the grandchildren.
Tom and his wife are being offered a mulligan. If they failed to teach their daughter responsibility when she was a child, they now have the opportunity to fix their mistake. They need to ask her to share the workload, pay rent or both. They need to model and establish boundaries for the sake of their daughter, themselves, and their grandchildren.
God seeks honest, hard work from all of us. “Those who work their land will have abundant food, but those who chase fantasies have no sense” (Proverbs 12:11). “A sluggard’s appetite is never filled, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied” (Proverbs 13:4).
Conclusion:
Establishing healthy boundaries is vital for the health of our families. As grandparents, we need to honor and respect these boundaries by avoiding the temptation to co-parent, enable, or entertain our grandchildren in excess. The only time we have permission to cross these boundaries is when our grandchildren’s physical, spiritual, emotional, and moral safety is threatened.
A few years ago, I spoke on the phone with a faith-filled grandmother. She was a Messianic Jew whose family didn’t believe in Jesus. Consequently, her son and daughter-in-law asked that she quit talking with their children about the Lord.
When she asked for my opinion, I recommended that she respected their boundaries. I concluded our discussion with the following statement. “While they can tell you not to talk with your grandchildren about Jesus, no one can tell you not to talk with Jesus about your grandchildren.”
After all, the gift of prayer has no boundaries.
Suggested reading: Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Helping Grandchildren Discern Truth From Lies
Recently, I programmed my phone’s GPS to guide me to a specific location, and somehow I ended up with two AI women giving me directions at the same time. To make things more confusing, they weren’t giving me the same directions. This experience reminds us that many “voices” compete for our grandchildren’s attention. Some voices impart truth; others don’t.
Any help with- A grandparent who doesn’t want any boundaries and “forgets” them.. A recent visit turned into a mess. Grandparent came by while kids and I were outside (taking a break from schoolwork) The children asked for a ride I agreed, when said ride was over, items were handed to the children to bring up to their house without being asked but I just thought what could it hurt to say hi get hugs and go back. Kids gave both grandparents hugs and kisses talked for a minute then kids begged to go play outside for a little longer at grandparents house- I agreed, in front of everyone I said they can play for 30 min then we needed to get back to our school work. Grandpa played with the kids some grandma was busy.. 30 min went by I asked the kids to gather their things we needed to return to school work. Grandma began to throw a fit and declare she didn’t get 30 min with the children. Grandpa stood there just quiet. I explained I gave the children 30 minutes to play, we need to get back to work, we could come down another day. Grandma wouldn’t let the children go with me at first and held onto one then I asked the kids to give hugs and kisses then we left. Grandma then texted me saying it was unfair and she was crying. I didn’t reply. The next day I get a text saying she apologized. I said I forgive her but it wasn’t okay how she treated me and that I would like to set up visits through my husband because I wasn’t comfortable. She responded back saying it was my fault and that I caused her great pain and that I needed to ask permission to visit. (I wasn’t even asked if the visit was okay but I assumed I was invited with the kids when they were handed items to be brought down).
This is not the first situation like this. The last time this happened my husband and I had a talk with them and explained we are the parents and we would like them to back us as the parents. Grandparents agreed and said it was right that they back us.. This situation wasn’t allowing me to be the parent and was allowing children to disobey in my eyes as she wouldn’t let me leave after the 30min knowing we had schoolwork to finish.
Dar Darla,
This is a difficult situation–one that isn’t uncommon, especially if roles become blurred.
Raising children is the parents’ role. This includes making decisions in the children’s best interest. The grandparents’ role is to walk alongside grown children and their spouses–offering encouragement, mentoring if asked, and helping parents be the best parents they can be.
It would be grievious if this unfortunate incident caused a rift in your family. You mentioned that you and your husband have already talked with your in-laws, asking them to respect your roles as parents. This is commendable. Can the four of you sit down and amicably revisit this topic?
I love the fact that you suggested getting together on another day. What if you take this idea one step further by suggesting an outing or overnight, something that lasts more than thirty minutes. Having something positive on the calendar may soothe everyone’s hurt feelings.
May I also suggest you pray about this ongoing situation with your in-laws? Ask God to open the door for you and your husband to have honest and meaningful conversations with them and make way for healing to occur. Pray that everyone is willing to forgive and move forward. Meanwhile, I will be praying for you, as well.
Remember: God loves all of you and desires what is best for you and your family.
God bless you and fill you with peace.
Sherry
I was raised in the church but strayed away in my early 20s, as I start my path with Jesus, I struggle to form healthy boundaries with my grandparents for my children. (my children’s great grandparent)
( Context my grandmother, has been married and divorced five times in the last 10 years) I had a child out of wedlock and now married, but while I was dating my husband, my grandmother would tell me that she can’t wait for me to get married so that way, I will stop living in sin, and continues to use Bible verses against me in my transgressions. no positivity only I’m a sinner. she will also talk about it in front of my children and talking down to me in front of my children.
The Bible tells me to honor my elders, but I really struggle to honor them when it feels like a dig on my past anytime we get together. and now my current step “grandfather”(married 1 year, after 2 weeks of “dating”) pushes my boundaries and will make me feel guilty for upsetting my grandmother when I have to put distance between us.
my mother and I have a very healthy relationship and my children have a healthy relationship with my mother. my mother has the same relationship with my grandmother (her mom) as I do with my grandmother.
I have prayed and prayed, but I feel in my heart, protecting my children is what I should do.
at what point do I let go and ignore the phone calls? i’m in therapy and cutting her out of my life, has been suggested by my therapist. That it might bring me peace.
I need help.
Good afternoon, Leigha. You are not the first parent who has written us about grandparents (or in your case, great-grandparents) who do not respect the boundaries of the parents. I have a list of suggestions that I will email you in the next few days. Meanwhile, I highly recommend a book by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It is appropriately named Boundaries.
My question is not about respecting boundaries set by parents. My question is about kids/teens setting boundaries with parents/grandparents who are not abusive physically or emotionally. I believe our 15 yr old granddaughter has absorbed boundary talk from her mom who has been in therapy for years due to disability, divorce, then death of her 2nd spouse. She invites us in to help with issues which we are glad to help with, then when we ask what the resolve was of the issue, she is evasive or sometimes flares. I digress. Our granddaughter has for the past 2 years decided she is on some sort of spiritual journey and it has gotten progressively worse. I share videos. And Scripture with her often which are returned with eyerolls or shoulder shrug nonchalance and “nothing’s going to change my mind.” After today’s Scripture share, which I did because she told me she wasn’t familiar with what it said, she asked me to stop sharing and said she was setting a boundary! Teens setting boundaries with adults regarding topics of discussion is a new one on me. Mind you this is the child with whom I would LOVE to set a boundary of no more discussion of political topics on which you have not informed yourself but do not hesitate to give your opinion, rather dogmatically, But I forbear with her because I want to give her the space to grow. She was being taught truth in her home, I thought. She goes to church with us almost every Sunday because she spends Saturday nights with us. However to our dismay, her mother recently did an about face from furnishing her with a reading list which included Lee Strobel, Josh McDowell and C S Lewis to giving her “The Teachings of Buddha” and a book by Joseph Dispenza who teaches meditation and manifestation techniques for Christmas.